First Day

So it was here.The day that I was dreading when I took Nikolai to his orientation.

It seemed to have snuck in undetected, surreptitiously creeping in the shadows of the night. Within hours, it had successfully penetrated our defenses, positioning itself in a spot where it could unleash its unrelenting offensive attack.

The first day of school could not have been scarier.

And it wasn’t even mine.

My mom and dad asked me to take Nikolai to Thornton and I gladly accepted. Beneath the surface of serene blue waters, my soul violently sloshed, struggling to calm the storm. I prepared an hour earlier hoping that it would appease some of the anxiety I was feeling. It didn’t really help, though. It just made me realize that as I was putting on my clothes, time escaped from my eye. It quickly zoomed past me, never to be held again.

As soon as we got in the car, I turned on my radio. I was hoping that my KLOVE remedy would somehow cure my ailment of apprehension. My soul still shook. Before we left, Nikolai and I praised God for his grace and prayed for strength and guidance for us throughout the day. Yeah, I really needed it if I was going to get through the 15 minutes I had to drive him there.

I was really nervous. Nikolai, though, wasn’t. Or at least he said he wasn’t, but he’s not one to hide things like this. Unlike me, his fear was getting lost on campus. My fear was the people. Yeah, I was a shy kid back then. Even after we talked, I was still very apprehensive.

We parked across the street because there was a row of cars containing nervous parents, which stretched for miles. As I yanked the parking brake and shifted to park, I didn’t want to let my little brother go just yet. My thoughts were constrained, grasping and squeezing, not wanting to let go. In a small, helpless voice I suggested that he didn’t have to go just yet.

I think I was acting more nervous than all of the parents combined.

To my disfortune, he had to leave. I understood; I didn’t want to make him late to his first class. I told him that I was going to be at the same spot to pick him up. As he got out of the car, the slam of the door was louder than usual. My car rocked with the force. My soul shook. As he walked further away, the beeps, honks and incessant chatter faded away. All was quiet. The car was still. My soul shook no more.

My eyes began to well up.

I quickly bit my finger as hard as I could. I couldn’t let it out. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to cry.

Now, I’m back home, typing away. By the way, I’m sorry for the lack of updates. I’ve become so entangled in the daily routines that this house gives that it has become difficult to reach out for my keyboard. There are more knots to untie today. This past month has been crazy. I also have to finalize my schedule for this quarter at Cal State East Bay. I have exactly 21 days left and they’re going fast by the second.

Happy September.

I guess. Hehe.